Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
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My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
🔦🌙👣
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Cat is stressing him out.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two