Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
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*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Overindulged this afternoon.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?