The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
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Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Them: You should try keto
Me:
My daily affirmation
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”