Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
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I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)