robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
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I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
much to think about
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
calling in to work dehydrated
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone