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I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?