Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
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“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Birds & Planes.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*