Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
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I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.