I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
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How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Why I divorced her.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Godspeed, John Glenn
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.