Tony Hawk, age 6
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Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value