Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
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The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
that’s really how it is
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*