White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
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Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.