I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
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Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
my lower back watching me try to live my life
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!