Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
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the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Finally a use for spoilers…
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house