me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???