[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
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The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*