I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
You Might Also Like
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed