My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
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Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Choose your fighter
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.