Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
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I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Doctors texting each other.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.