So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
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Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
“That’s what” – She
Candles never taste the way they smell
Mad Max Arctic Road
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Seems kinda suspicious
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel