THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
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My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Body by cheese-puffs.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂