Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
the three branches of government
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Just say no
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
when there are deer in the woods