If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
You Might Also Like
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Dishonest mechanic?
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.