I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My purse is deeper than some people.