BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
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for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Sell your car
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
lmfao
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*