If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
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Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator