Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
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You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
My time has come.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.