*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
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Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
looks legit
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
You better watch out
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal