cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
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Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits