interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
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I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.