Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
#winning
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
WHO DID THIS?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”