Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
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Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
My first son he is wonderful
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.