After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
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“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice