[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
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If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
United Steaks of America
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.