i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
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Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*