Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
This came to me in a dream.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I love art.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.