*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
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Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.