My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
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Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Oceanography is all about current events
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Storm Tropical Storm
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.