someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
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gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
For the baby who has everything
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…