This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
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Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.