Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
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“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I support this random dude and all his protests
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.