It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
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when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes