Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
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When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
If snakes were wide