$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
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*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift