Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
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Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox