I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
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Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
A friend helps you before you need it
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*