I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
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If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
forgive me baja for i have blast
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
did it work
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone