Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
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Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?