me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
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me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.