Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I’m good, thanks.